All Your Difference
by LadyBoston
Summary: When Etcetera finds out her kitten is autistic, her whole world is turned upside down.
1. The Littlest Kitten

~All Your Difference~  
  
[Disclaimer: Etcetera and CATS is Â© RUG. Lyrics to He's My Son are Â© Mark Schultz. Mika is Â© me.]  
  
She stared down at the kitten who was curled up in a pile of blankets, sleeping peacefully. He was so beautiful, perfect, amazing.. and all she had left of the life she'd lived before. Each night, she would sing to Mika, rock him to sleep. Her kitten, the littlest kitten... forever.  
  
Etcetera lay in the abandoned warehouse, muffled sobs occasionally piercing the darkness of night. She felt so used, so broken, so dirty. Moaning as she turned onto her side, knees pulled to her chest, clinging to herself, Etcy knew that her innocence had been stolen, and replaced with a tiny being, growing inside of her. What was she supposed to do with kittens when she was barely out of kittenhood herself?  
  
"Etcetera, I'm sorry." The words pierced Cety's heart. "W- why, mum? He's beautiful, he's healthy... isn't he?" Her voice wavered, and her eyes were filled with an immense fear and sadness that words could not describe. Jellylorum bowed her head and took her daughter's paw in hers. "Etcetera, he.. he's not like other kittens." the older queen tried to explain. "What does it mean, mum? I don't understand.." Trembling slightly, the tabby cast a glance at her son. He looked like his father had in the dark: black and brown, but he had a mask over his eyes... like a raccoon. "My poor Etta," the words broke Jelly's heart, because she knew how much they would hurt her daughter. "Your kitten, he'll always stay a kitten in his head, in his heart. He'll never grow up like the other kittens his age. The humans call it autism.. mental retardation." Etcy's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, mum.." she whimpered, reaching out to cling to her mother. "I'm sorry," Lorum managed to whisper back. "What will they say about him, mum? They'll make fun of him, won't they? They won't understand, no one will want him around, will they?" Etta couldn't push away the thoughts of the last Jellicle Ball out of her head, when all the Cats had shunned Grizabella because she was different. This kitten of hers, he was so much more different than Griz had been. If they had been so cruel to her, what in Heaviside would they do to him?  
  
Mika. The name meant "wise little raccoon." It had seemed the perfect name when Etcetera had first seen her son's patterns. Now, she wasn't sure if it was right. Wise? How could an autistic kitten be wise? Etcy didn't understand. She glanced at her kitten and sighed sadly. There was a part of her that had wanted a kitten simply to have someone to love her unconditionally, someone who would never leave her. She'd known that her kitten would someday grow up and start a life of his own, and couldn't accept it. But here, what was this? It was as if Mika had been a gift from the stars, from the Everlasting Cat. He was a kitten who could never leave his mother. He would always need her by his side. It was exactly what Cety had wished for.. so why did it hurt so badly? As she clutched her only kitten to her chest, kissing his tiny brow, warm tears rolled down her face. A million questions ran through through her mind. Who was Mika if not an adult tom in the making? Why had the Heaviside punished her like this? What had she done that was so terrible, to make her son this way? Why had they hurt HIM? "You got here and you adored me.. You trusted me with all your little body; with all your difference. But why? After I've done this to you, after I made you this way.. You still love me?" the queen whispered to Mika. The kitten simply turned his head and nuzzled his mother. 


	2. Musings

"Mrrew!" a small voice cried as the owner clutched his battered teddy to his side. "Mrrew!" Mum, where are you? Please, I had a nightmare! he thought to himself. Still, no one appeared. Tears formed in the kitten's eyes. Where could she be? Why had she left him alone? Please, please, mum.. I'm sorry I was bad, I'll never do it again! Just don't leave me, mummy, don't leave me! "Mew!" the pitiful noise echoed through the oven. There was a crash as Etcetera stumbled into her home, sweeping Mika into her arms and clinging to him. "I'm sorry, Mika, I'm sorry!" she whimpered. "I- it's o-o- okay, m-mummy." the kitten finally spoke, though his voice was hardly above a whisper, and he stumbled over his words. He leaned up to paw at her nose, and kiss her tears away. "What happened, are you alright?" Etta asked softly. "I- I- I had a n-n-nightm-mare.." came the gentle explanation. "Do you want to tell me about it?" the queen smiled slightly as she nuzzled her son. "N- no, I'm a-" he paused, pensively thrusting his tongue out, searching for words. "I'm alr-r-right. But... but could y-y-you s-s-sing to m-me?" His eyes sparkled, and his face lit up as his mother nodded slowly. Rocking Mika back and forth, Etcetera's voice whispered on the breeze that rustled through the mother and son's fur. Soon, the raccoon-like tom had fallen asleep in Etta's arms.  
  
She loved him so much that it hurt.  
  
Every evening, it was the same thing. The young queen would awaken to her kitten's desperate pleas for help, yet she found herself incapable of doing anything but holding him. It was so hard sometimes. All Etcetera had ever wanted was to have someone who would stay by her side forever. Looking back on it, it was the most selfish wish she'd ever made... and the only one that had ever come true. Making sure that Mika was asleep, Cety crept out and climbed on top of the oven. Her gaze moved across the sky, and rested on the Moon. A tremor ran through her.  
  
Etcetera.. the tom-crazy kitten, the loud-mouth. Chirpy, chipper, always in a good mood. "There's one queen who will never grow up," they'd said. She'd almost believed them, almost believed she would stay young forever. That she'd never be fully mature, never end up smart like Victoria, or beautiful like Jemima. She'd stay a kitten forever. It hadn't seemed so bad back then, when Etcy thought she could handle it, when she'd really thought she was the kind of kitten who would never grow up. Looking to Mika now, Etta realized that it had been a lie. She would grow up, she had grown up. It was her son who would remain young until his dying day. Cursed to live as a naive innocent for the rest of his days, Mika would never-- COULD never-- be like the others. She wanted so much for him to be happy. There was so much she wanted to give him, but in her heart of hearts, she knew that all she could ever provide would never be enough. Mika deserved so much better... 


	3. He's My Son

The words were like a slap in the face. It was an epiphany, a revelation, a confession. Mika deserved better. The simple three-word phrase echoed through her mind and broke her heart over and over again. Every time she heard it, it was like her soul was being torn from her body. Etcetera whimpered and felt herself trembling. Was it true? Was there someone out there who could give Mika more than she could?  
  
Etcy had never been the singer, that was Jemima. Never been the dancer, either, because it was Victoria's job.. Never been anything, really. But now, as the Moon shone on her, she seemed different somehow. Her fur shone, and her eyes were brighter than usual. It was almost as if she were glowing. She'd never looked this beautiful, not even at the Jellicle Ball, when all Cats were supposed to look their best! There was something about her tonight.  
  
Biting her lower lip fiercely to keep from crying, the queen took a deep breath and lifted her deep brown eyes towards the Heaviside. Her voice was soft, and barely audible, but the words were painfully clear.  
  
"Can you hear me?  
  
Am I getting through tonight?  
  
Can you see him?  
  
Can you make him feel alright?  
  
If you can hear me,  
  
Let me take his place somehow!  
  
See he's not just anyone  
  
He's my son.."  
  
"Mum?" a soft voice whispered, no hint of a stutter visible, which was quite odd. The tiny tom slipped his arms around his mother, holding her. "Mum, why are you crying?" Mika knitted his brow, liquid brown doe eyes travelling over her face, looking for a clue as to why the only Cat he'd ever known was so pained. Etta couldn't bring herself to speak. She couldn't even look her son in the eye, afraid he would see why she was hurting so much. "Mum, Mum, it's okay.." Cupping Etcetera's face in his paws, Mika leaned up and kissed his mother's cheek gently, which only made her cry harder. A little worried, the kittom's voice broke as he spoke. "Tell me, Mummy, tell me why it hurts so much in there!" he placed a paw over her heart. She could feel him shaking. He was so scared that something terrible had happened to her. "Mika, there's so much you should have.." she sobbed before faltering again. "Oh, Mum, it doesn't matter.. You're all I want, all I've ever wanted!"  
  
Author's Note - I'm not quite sure what to do next, so I'm resorting to my usual way of fixing that lack-of-ideas problem: suggestions! Any suggestions you have will be taken into consideration. They would be greatly appreciated... *cough* Please? 


End file.
